Two Humans and a Quarian Walk into a Bar
by AlphaMonkey
Summary: Exactly what it says on the tin. Rated "T" for "mind-numbing TERROR."


_Eternity Lounge_

_Nos Astra_

_Ilium_

It could've been a sigh, or it could've been a comm glitch. Quarian suits had multiple redundancies built into their external vox systems, but they still weren't foolproof. Judging by the tone of Tali's voice, however… that little noise had probably been a sigh. "I cannot -believe- I let you talk me into this, Katie."

Commander Katherine Shepard grinned, raising her arms to her sides and surveying the crowded bar with all the grace and imperiousness of a beloved sovereign striding into her royal court. "Oh, come on. Would I steer you wrong?"

"In a Nerubian minute."

"I'm hurt by your lack of faith in me."

"That's not fair. I trust you. I trust you'll find a way to make this a horrible experience for all of us. We'll be shamed for life."

"And I thought we were friends."

Standing next to Shepard was a slender, shapely woman of similar height decked out in a skintight suit colored in Cerberus black and gold. She smirked at the conversation before chiming in with a well-placed barb of her own. "You are. It's why you're not currently bleeding."

"Et tu, Miranda?"

"What are we even doing here, anyway?"

"I thought that was obvious:" Katie said in a classic deadpan. "We're doing recon for our next operation."

"Ah, yes. Extensive reconnaissance on turian mating habits and the effects of asari exotic dancers on the local populace."

"Think I could get the Illusive Man to fund some research into the subject, Miranda?"

"No. And speaking of misallocated resources-"

"She's -my- yeoman. By definition, I don't think I -can-… misallocate her. Which reminds me-" She opened up a comm channel back to the _Normandy_. "Hey, cutie, it's me, we're at the Eternity- well, it… it's mission-related. Classified operations and stuff. You know I would've brought you along otherwise. Yes, I know you have to work, I drafted the duty assignments myself. Look, I'll make it up to you, all right? I'll pick up a nice bottle of wine, and- hey, don't talk to me like that, I'm still your commanding officer, and you're still my attaché- no, I don't care about- ok, yes, I know I said you were the Admiral of my shower cubicle, but that was different, and you -know- it…"

"And this is why workplace romances are never a good idea…"

Shepard temporarily muted her comm rig. "It's nothing I can't handle. Not that it's any business of yours, -Operative- Lawson."

Miranda nearly choked on her laugh. "Ahem. Of course, Commander."

Katie hit her with a glare that would've liquefied steel. "Now if you'll excuse me, private conversation." She half-turned – a token gesture which did absolutely nothing to prevent her words from being overheard. "Hey, Kelly-cat? Have to call you back. Talk to you later."

"Not at all unprofessional." Tali was smirking behind her helmet's faceplate. It was simply unconceivable that she was doing otherwise.

"I will exile you from my ship."

"No, you wouldn't. Then you wouldn't have anyone to help you cheat at Skyllian Five."

"I have Joker. He does anything I say or I threaten to break his kneecaps. This is a -very- credible threat with him, you know."

"You are an evil woman, Captain."

"I take pride in my work. But seriously. I brought you out here because the two of you have been cooped up on the _Normandy_ for weeks, and now that we finally have some downtime, there are better things to be doing with it than…" Shepard waved a hand at Miranda, "compiling logistics reports," then at Tali, "or fine tuning gravimetric profiles on the engines."

"I -like- tweaking the gravimetric profiles on the engines," the quarian protested petulantly.

Katie pinched the bridge of her nose in growing frustration. "You're not going to tell me you enjoy filing reports, are you?"

"Nobody enjoys filing reports."

"Oh, thank God, there's still hope for you, at least. See, Tali? At least Miranda still understands there's such a thing as 'fun' in the universe. You should look into that. You know, last time I was here, I overheard this one quarian talking about a neural stimulator package she'd had built into her suit…"

"Oh, Keelah, I beg you, do not finish that sentence."

"I'm only looking out for your best interests."

"Two points if I may. First point: the weapons detectors in this lounge have a blind spot. It just so happens to be right where I'm standing. Second point: I have a shotgun."

"Tali'Zorah, I really want to know where you picked up this notion that violence solves everything."

"You."

There didn't seem to be much to say to that. "Oh. Carry on, then."

"I'm going to get a drink," said Miranda.

Shepard snapped her fingers. "Now that's a good idea. Let's all do that." She paused, mid-thought, blinked at the quarian for a moment, then continued. "Let's two of us do that."

"Thank you for thinking of me," Tali quipped, dryly.

"Sorry. It's just… drinks are good. Just ask that salarian over there doing shots out of that asari's belly button."

Miranda squinted, trying for a closer look. "Shepard. I think… I think that's -our- salarian."

"Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph, my EYES."

"There are… about a billion things I could say right now… and yet they all seem to start the same way… with me vomiting inside my helmet."

"We need to evac. -Now.- Miranda… Miranda, snap out of it!"

Lawson's brow was furrowed in deep concentration, beads of sweat starting to form on her forehead. "Please don't distract me. I'm using my biotics to keep myself from having an aneurysm. It's taking -all- of my concentration."

"Ok. Miranda has gone bye bye. Tali, what have you got left?"

"Honestly, Shepard, I'm terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought."

Katie shook her head and shivered, but no matter how hard she tried to tear her eyes away, they kept being drawn back. She felt like a ship right at the event horizon of a black hole, engines putting out all the power they had, but still she was being pulled in. Desperately, she opened another comm channel to the ship. "Shepard to _Normandy._ EDI, you copy?"

"Yes, Commander."

"Need an extraction team, on the double. Full biohazard protocols. Omega-level."

If an artificial intelligence could be surprised, this one was. "Shepard, Omega-level hazmat protocols are only intended for use in the event of exposure to global-scale chemical or biological threats. I have detected nothing of that sort on sensors."

"Germs. Germs -everywhere,-" Tali whimpered.

Shepard struggled to keep her gorge from rising. "The little buggers are insidious, EDI. INSIDIOUS."


End file.
